I Married a Warrior, by Sensei Tracy Corder
I MARRIED A WARRIOR
SO, NOW WHAT DO I DO?
By Tracy Corder Sensei
Kogen Ninpo Bugei Dojo
SUMMER 2010
It is my hope to shed some light on the subject for those of you who were not quite sure what you were getting yourself into, when you began dating or have since married a warrior, in particular the Martial Artist.
Of course, there is always the person that comes out of the shadows during a relationship and wishes to start their training later in life.
An important thing to keep in mind is that all of us need to have a certain amount of personal space within our intimate relationships for the purpose of furthering our development and nurturing our creativity as individuals.
After having taught Martial Arts for over 20 years, I have noticed an increase in dropout rates, due to the needs of the trainee’s spouse or a new relationship, in which they have recently become involved.
I hear the following with almost 100% predictability. “I can’t train anymore”, ”I don’t have time”, “My wife, husband, kids, boyfriend or girlfriend is upset that I don’t spend enough time with them”, “My husband or boyfriend is jealous.”
My comment to this, when I start too hear these remarks, or see them less in class is “Well we won’t ever see them again.”
There is always the person that is insecure and is hanging on too tight to their warrior, and this need for control can make things worse than they need to be. More often than not, the spouses are insecure in the relationship and that turns into the “I’m going to make you feel guilty” routine.
So, perhaps you should ask yourself and your spouse, “What have I done to make you feel insecure and unsupportive in our relationship?”
Good, clear, open, and HONEST communication is and always will be the best paths to a healthy relationship for years to come. A supportive partner is a partner that truly loves you for who you are or what dreams you have, and is not trying to change you into something you’re not.
It’s sad that many couples can’t find common ground for a healthy relationship. By allowing your partner to do what makes them happy and healthier, will benefit you in the long years to come. Everyone must endeavor to understand, that being a true martial art warrior, takes a commitment that is going to stress any relationship to its limits.
“What’s in it for me,” you ask?
Due to decrease in stress and an increase in awareness, the Martial Artist has more harmony in their life. I do not know many people that are still stressed out, especially after a good workout of any kind.
Not to mention they will be able to protect you, your family, and your friends if and when the unfortunate need should arise. And it might, due to our changing times. Many Martial Artists become in tune the with natural order and some either become spiritually enlightened, or find inner harmony that radiates outward for all that come in contact with them.
THE PLAN:
NUMBER ONE:
Make the Time.
Everyone can always find an excuse for not having enough time to train, go out on a date, or work on that chore list. Turning off the electronics is a great start! Being prepared for either your activities or theirs takes a serious commitment, and it’s sometimes easier said than done. Failure to plan is a plan that will always fail, and will either lead to disappointment or hurt feelings.
Remember grasshopper, take the hard path for it has more reward in the end. However, if you both are supportive of one another, help with common and personal goals, anything can be accomplished.
Staying healthy is also very important and is a great way to spend time together. This can be done thru cooking healthy meals at home, dieting, walking or having a romantic evening. If both partners help in the daily household chores then it is not only easier, but you have created more time for each other.
NUMBER TWO:
Do Something your Partner Enjoys.
Find enjoyment in an activity you wouldn’t normally engage in, but your partner loves to do. Let’s say your partner has chosen Martial Arts as an example, but, you’re not keen on the idea. Try and find something about it that will entertain you, maybe ask him to show you what he is currently working on, or help quiz him on the names of the techniques.
Let’s say that she enjoys sewing and you don’t. So, take her to a sewing expo and find that new and latest machine or doodad that she might enjoy having.
I have actually found some really awesome fabrics to make quilts and sword dust covers, which I enjoy.
Whatever the subject may be, try and find something about it you can enjoy. This will not only allow each of you to do what you enjoy, but it will also show how thoughtful, confident, and unselfish you can be.
NUMBER THREE:
Do something you both will enjoy together.
Because it is so vital to do things that both of you will enjoy, sharing that attitude will make each of you more enjoyable. Doing something together also helps you create a stronger bond with one another. Talk with your partner and find out what common interest you share.
My wife and I have found several things we enjoy; such as helping others in need of a helping hand, going out for a dinner and shopping, going on trips, salt water reef tanks, going to art shows, fostering rescued Greyhounds, and our favorite is going to the spa for a good rub.
It is not hard for any couple to find something they both enjoy; maybe you have forgotten what brought you together in the first place?
You both must continue to communicate with each other throughout your relationship.
WHICH PATH IS BEST FOR ME?
As a martial arts warrior, you have chosen a path that will test the limits of your physical and mental capacities, beyond the normal person. You will have to decide if this is really what you want to do for the rest of your life, or if it is just going to be a short hike down the path. Perhaps it would be better to join a gym rather than to do the Martial Arts thing. In that way, one is free of all commitments other than the regular fees.
There are two types of Martial Artists, the first being a Traditionalist Martial Artist and the other a Sport Martial Artist.
Let’s start with the Sport Martial Artist. He or she is interested in learning some basic self defense and practicing what they know at tournaments.
Also, it’s a great workout to help stay in shape. I’m not saying that all Sport Martial Arts are bad; they just have very specific rules you have to train by. This type of sport training could lead to a false sense of skill level, and bad habits for the Martial Artist. Please don’t misunderstand me, I have the upmost respect for all types of martial or warrior arts, they all have something to offer each culture or person.
On the streets you could find yourself in trouble, trying to protect yourself hampered by the rules you had to follow and train by in the ring. In real life situations there are no rules, when it comes to protecting yourself or your family anything goes. Simply utilizing the 3 primary targets “eyes, knees, and groin,” will end any life threatening confrontation you may encounter.
These are targets a sport martial artist is trained against attacking, even in ‘full contact’ tournament arenas, due to the lethal or crippling potential they have.
I have seen your basic street fighter with no Martial Arts training just wipe up the street with a grand champion fighter, due to the lack of ‘rules’.
As for most sport type arts, many find themselves bored with one art and move onto the next art.
MMA fighters (Mixed Martial Arts) are those who want to cross train and increase their knowledge by merging various types of martial arts. Most start out in Taekwondo, Brazilian or American styled Ju-Jutsu, Wrestling, Boxing, and maybe some Muay Thai; just to name a few. This type of Martial Artist has a better chance of defending themselves and their family in the real world, even though they are still training by ‘rules’.
The Traditional Martial Artist is a person that has decided to make learning their art, a life-long goal. This in my opinion is by far the hardest thing anyone can demand of themselves or from their spouse. Unless your spouse is very supportive and understanding, this is most likely not going to happen. This person has chosen something that is going to become part of their everyday life and a way of life that is shown by way of example.
There are many sacrifices that I have made in my life for the preservation of the art and so that it may be passed onto a fellow student in order to keep the traditions alive. These types of sacrifices I have chosen to make, I will never get back again. Some were with the family and others friends. There have been many Masters of Martial Arts that have not had the 100% dedicated students to pass their gifts onto, and the art just dies with no further successors; I can think of several Ryu-ha (family styles) with just our art.
Students who wish to become instructors of a traditional art have more demands put upon themselves than the ordinary student. A person who wishes to take this path, must be of pure heart; honest and willing to make those sacrifices in life needed to become an instructor. Time and money always seem to be at the top of the list of demands.
When I teach in the Dojo, I’m teaching all of my students to be instructors of the art. But only a few will receive the true gifts when they have proved themselves to be dedicated and loyal to the art, and have reached the upper 4th Dan levels. The odds of these types of students are about 1 in 500.
People always ask me, “What level black belt are you?”
After over 29 years as a Martial Artist, I just say, “I’m still just a student of the arts.” We are all students, in all facets of life. I learn just as much teaching, as I do working with other Instructors or Fellow students.
In my Dojo it takes approximately 5 to 7 years to get your Shodan or first black belt rank. This covers only the basic forms and the student continues to learn many other traditional techniques from many different family styles or known as Ryu-ha. From there it is approximately 2 years per each black belt level (Dan), for a total of ten levels.
When you’re training in a traditional art there are no sport rules, just a lot of painful lessons. There are no pads, groin protectors, mouth guards, or ‘rules’ like in the Sport Martial Arts. This is why it is important for a student of the Martial Arts to have the loving support of their spouse and family. The traditional path is strenuous and difficult, but the rewards of courage and honor make it worthwhile.
So, by making space for you or your partner to train or do their own thing, for a mere 4 to 6 hours a week (out of the 168 hours available), is a small price to pay for total happiness. It has been proven, that couples who have their time together definitely share a more healthy relationship for both partners. Maybe you should both train in the Martial Arts together?
I hope this will help you to communicate with your partner in understanding the martial arts warrior mindset. Brining healthy communication into your relationship will allow you to continue your journey in life.
I would like to thank my Wife and Family for their years of loving support and understanding. Without it, I would have quit 20 years ago and I’m very blessed and thankful that I didn’t.
My best regards,
Tracy Corder Sensei
Kancho / President of
Kogen Ninpo Dojo
www.kogenninpodojo.com